Good news was delivered on Christmas Eve as news outlets blared, “Lord FreeLuv lives!” and, in a softer tone, they added, “An anonymous government source has revealed that the lord has been kidnapped by the murderous carnivore, the Lion of Baghdad! Why? The world wants to know! Luckily, we have just read an intelligence report that the uncivilized foreign lion rejects American fast food and insists that its country will never eat animals that are too stupid to defend themselves.
In the past, President Angel had tried to do business with the Lion, but now the public wanted to end relations with Baghdad. President Angel felt this was too drastic and announced that studies were necessary to determine if lions were really unfriendly or not.
The studies did not go as hoped. The scientists quickly published a report that concluded with as follows, “We regret to report that our research demonstrates that not only lions but all wild animals are lazy opportunists and the most wicked thieves and murderers.”
The Disney nation was scandalized. Zoos were closed forever. Walt Disney’s cutesy children fell out of fashion and billions of Amerikan soldiers were commanded to rid God’s country of bunnies, fawns, raccoons, rats and other pests that stole our crops and lawlessly murdered our children.
Meanwhile, the World Canine Control Organization released drawings proving beyond a doubt that the Lion of Baghdad possessed canines and claws whose measurements exceeded international limits. Now President Angel could no longer dither. Due to public pressure, he vowed to rescue every last Iranian and sent the Bunnies to Iran.
They landed beside a village. They could have asked for accommodations, but they were typical, shy Amerikans, so they prayed for water while vultures circled above them. They kept praying and praying until, on the verge of death, some camels appeared. They chased the sluggish beasts down, slaughtered them, drank their water right out of their humps and were sick all night.
But luck had not entirely abandoned them. As they lay dying, they were visited by the notorious Serpent of Baghdad. He asked them what the hell they were doing in the middle of a desert.
“We came to rescue all Iranians from the great lion who rules this holy land.”
“Last I saw him he was with Lord FreeLuv.”
“Where was that?”
“In the capital. How do you plan to defeat him?”
Zach showed off his ridiculous dentistry kit. The Serpent of Baghdad laughed.
“What are you laughing about?” Zach demanded. “You’ve obviously never been to a dentist!”
“You’re right, and I’m very sorry. Come, I will take you to a place where the great lion goes to pee at night. You’ll catch him there, and when you’re done, I would be honored if you filled my cavity.”
Even then those fools suspected nothing. They blithely followed the cunning, deceptive snake into a barren gully, kissed him goodnight and watched him slither up a tree.
In the darkness, thunder raged like a beast in the mountains. Rain flooded the streams, roared down the slopes and washed out the gullies. In the morning, half of the Amerikan rescue team lay downstream, swinging from tree branches and lapping up fresh water while the less fortunate were at sea, riding on and inside sharks.
A Divine Promotion
Meanwhile, back in awesome Amerika, a gang of extremely vicious characters known as the Black Poodles (not to be confused with the equally fearsome Black Panthers and Terrible Terriers) was growing more powerful, spreading fear and hatred and pushing hard working cows, sheep and rabbits to the brink of extinction. What could the president and all his fellow politicos do? Naturally, they did what they do best, they prayed for help. When this made no difference, President Angel impatiently texted God, asking, “What the Hell are you waiting for, Armageddon? Send the fucking messiah and tell him to save our asses from the Black Poodle gang!”
Angel reluctantly dialed seven zeros and got the lord and told him to get his ass to Chicago, New York, and wherever else the Black Poodles were terrorizing Amerikans.
“Forget it,” Lord replied. “I will not stoop to giving my luv to poodles. Besides, “I’m all dried up and empty!”
“Chuckie boy, we’re in dire straits. Amerika needs a messiah, and you’re the best man for the job. What do you think?”
“Sorry, but I’m pooped out and on my way to Iran for a vacation. The women there are so much hotter.”
“You damn traitor! Get your ass over here!”
“All right, let me check my schedule.” Silence. “Oh, look at that. We’re in luck. I have time in the year 3000.”
A note of desperation crept into Angel’s voice: “Chuck, you heartless bastard! Do you know how many citizens have been ruined by those long-toothed Black Poodles? I need citizens to pay my taxes and buy my shit … I mean,” he corrects himself, “my products?”
“Well, if no one’s buying your food I could eat it. I need huge meals to fuel my luv engine so I can keep my fans happy.”
“Our enemies are eating us and you have an appetite? Be serious a moment! I need a messiah willing to kill poodles in battle!”
“Gee, I guess I could try. You know, I used to squash beetles between my teeth, and a lot of women are dying for me. But, what’s in this dangerous mission for me, Mister P-r-e-s-i-d-e-n-t?”
“You’ll be the messiah! What more do you want?”
Chuck laughed the president to scorn.
“Fine. If you succeed, I’ll also make you the president of a–”
“YAHOO!” Chuck cheered. Somehow, the fool needed no further encouragement to take on the intimidating job of the Amerikan Messiah.
The Messiah versus the Black Poodles
The following morning, Messiah Bollocks was debriefed about the notorious Black Poodles. Police reports revealed that they crapped voluminous quantities on all the streets and that they stole bones from the cemeteries and attacked pet shops. Sometimes, in lean years, they savaged and ravaged citizens and such fear swept the nation that the economy pissed and pooped voluminous quantities. Finally, in a widely watched court case, the Black Poodle leader, Poop Dog, told the presiding judge, “Why do you persecute us? We are dogs, and dogs must eat meat.”
After the judge determined that the Black Poodles were not dogs but were actually Amerikan citizens, he accused them of cannibalism. Poop Dog countered with this clever argument: “So what? Nature is cannibalistic. We are all breathing and eating the atoms that were once part of the body of George ‘Jesus Christ’ Washington.”
“That is true,” the judge admitted, “but we must draw a distinction between eating inanimate atoms and eating animate citizens. Only corporations and governments have the special cannibal status required to lawfully prey on citizens. They are godlike immortals serving to control your numbers, for the Earth can only carry a finite number of souls. However, although the immortals hunt and devour mere mortals, they are always careful to leave a healthy population for their children, for until robots replace them, mortals are needed to support the immortals by working, paying taxes and shopping.”
The judge spoke from the heart of the Constitution, but before he could sentence the Black Poodles to a pit of lions, the Black Poodles ate him and the prosecution and all its witnesses. Then, even the police patrolled their cities in terror.
President Angel did not tolerate defeat. He put the entire military, militia and militant police force at the messiah’s disposal. But, Messiah Bollocks sent them all home and went postal, for the mail is mightier than the machine gun, and in fact Amerika has always preferred to solve problems peacefully. So, the messiah dictating a letter to his lovely secretary instead of shooting bullets at his enemies. This letter read,
Dear Black Poodles, please stop eating the government’s cash cows. Healthy, hard-working and hard-shopping Amerikan citizens have the right to continue working and shopping. Please respect the Constitution and learn to earn luv with legitimate work.
Despite many brave attempts to hand-deliver these letters, thousands of mailmen were murdered and cooked by Black Poodles who had no interest in reading letters. Their bones were left in mailboxes and on doorsteps as warnings.
To save the nation’s postal service from extinction, President Angel commanded Messiah Bollocks to use the internet, but the messiah was not tech-savvy. But, after a slew of mailmen died delivering a friendlier letter, the messiah paid a personal visit to the chief of the Black Poodles, Poop Dog. He threw him a cooked rabbit carcass and watched Poop Dog eat it with a fork and knife before he commented, “No offense intended, Poop, but you’re not a real carnivore. A real carnivore would bite my arm, tear off the meat and swallow it without cooking or chewing. Can you do that?”
Poop Dog growled, then lunged at the messiah with his teeth and tried to bite off a strip of flesh from his ass. The effort was mercifully short-lived, for fresh, living white meat is reserved for God. So, Poop Dog returned to devouring his extra-large lamb deep fried in sugar and cheese.
Messiah Bollocks tried to stop him: “Poop! What are you doing? That’s not proper dog food! Amerikan meat is carcinogenic and too fat for your health. If you keep eating that shit you’ll die before you’re 33.”
“Then you can call me a martyr, ’cause the more ’merikans meat we eat, the less pollution we breathe and the fewer bombs fall on our heads. We’re saving Mamma Nature, so we’re saving your ass, too.”
The messiah did a double-take. Poop Dog’s logic was good, but it was not unpoopable. “You’ve spoken well,” he conceded. “But even Black Poodles are mortals without souls and no Heaven to visit, so what good is martyrdom? So take care of your health. Eat fruit and vegetables, and if you must eat meat, eat organic eat, not this toxic Amerikan meat that only immortals can stomach.”
This ridiculous argument stunned Poop Dog. In an instant, it completely changed his mind about everything. So, that day he told all his fellow gangsters to improve their lives by changing their diets. Some went vegetarian but most moved into forests. There they chased healthy, wild meat, but whether they chased their prey on two feet or on four feet, they could not catch a mouse and perished in the dust.
Meanwhile, ordinary, defenseless, peace-loving Amerikans were overjoyed to be liberated from the Black Poodle plague. Millions of grateful souls asked Angel to promote Messiah Bollocks to the presidency. Angel thought that was premature, so instead he promoted Chuck, making him the President of the United Simpletons and Stagers of Idiotic Entertainments so that he would be known acronymically as Amerika’s PUSSIE.
The Hollywood Bible
As you probably guessed, those vicious Black Poodles represented only a fraction of Amerika’s murderous outlaws and they all went to Hell because they were stupid. The smartest carnivores obey God’s laws and serve to prevent others from the sins associated with wealth. Modest levels of poverty protect the soul from pride, and poverty prevents people from consuming the environment. This is important, because ultimately an environment of some sort is necessary for business. Now, do you understand the wisdom of keeping most people poor? Now, do you appreciate why the super-rich are universally admired for keeping everyone else poor?
God’s logic is quite simple, and students easily mastered it after years of studying the Constitution, the prophets and the divine economy. But, thanks to Satan’s stinking books and scandalous movies, all those school hours invested in keeping children’s minds clean and washed were wasted. Don’t ask Me what was in those books. Okay, since you insist, I’ll tell you. They were full of lies, libel, conspiracy theories and outright fictions! On their account, a stupid generation began protesting against poverty, as if it were evil, as if Jesus and Muhammad needed telephones, cars, toilets and refrigerators.
Those books were horrible, but Amerika might have survived if they had not been turned into movies and screened for free in theatres. Movie reviewers warned that they inflicted headaches, but moviegoers still went to watch them out of curiosity, and those who did always stormed out of the theatres in a terrible mood. Some turned into mad dogs and went straight to prison for accusing corporate and political leaders of being embezzlers, thieves, fraudsters, murderers, pedophiles and worse things. Apparently, they ever interpreted the Constitution. If they had they would have known that theft and murder are illegal for mortals but lawful and required for immortals.
Riots swept across Amerika. In one year there were 10,000 attempts to assassinate the president, or about 30 attempts per day. Fortunately, the ruling class lived in cloud fortresses, like gods, so the frustrated mob turned its anger on easier targets, their pets.
I wish I were kidding, but people actually accused faithful pets of living like thieves, welfare cases and royalty while they, their poor owners, lived like peasants and servants. Angry pet owners even threatened to excommunicate, evict, eat, beat or sell pets who didn’t get jobs or start feeding themselves, and suddenly the streets were full of homeless puppies, cats, rats, hamsters, panda bears and other exotic animals.
Amerika’s reputation was on the line. The president swiftly passed new laws while the streets, lawns and doorsteps around the nation were caked in pet poop. In a rare public service announcement, President Angel reminded everyone of Amerika’s liberal tradition of respecting pets regardless of color, and indeed all animals regardless of color, provided they obey the laws of Nature enshrined in the Constitution.
In defense of Amerika, the president also wrote the Hollywood Bible. In this amazing novel, the president revealed in painstakingly crafted stories that that pets are innocent creatures and that they, like all domestic animals, have earned their leisurely lifestyles for nobly serving God’s country for over ten thousand years.
In the Hollywood Bible, the president also explained that God’s prophets had already rid the world of species of evil animals. In chronological order, Noah and sons devoured the wicked dinosaurs, Abraham and sons defeated the sabre-tooth tigers, Moses and associates exterminated the cobras, Jonas stopped a plague of mice and caterpillars, Jesus starved the cave lions, Muhammad annihilated the head lice, Messiah Bollocks defeated the Black Poodles, and, in the book’s only prophetic story, Saint Pussie and the Green Knights of the Earthen Table converted all the world’s greedy fat cats to veganism, or, in difficult cases, extracted their canines in bloody battles and duels.
The Hollywood Bible created peace between Amerikans and their pets and leaders. It was so popular, people got a national holiday to read it. It was called Bible Day. But, one day wasn’t enough! People couldn’t stop reading it and forgot to watch their damn movie screens, televisions and iGods!
Thanks to the Hollywood Bible, millions of Amerikans who had never heard of Chuck Bollocks praised him for his humanitarian work in pest control. His skill at using words to pacify monsters and nullify violence made him the talk of the nation. Everyone admired and emulated him, everyone except his stepfather. One day, Damn looked deep into his eyes and said, “Kid, I know you’re enjoying your fame, but you listen to me a moment. You’re nothing but a Hollywood pussie.”
“But I was also the messiah, and in the future I will make you proud again.”
Damn stared at the lines on his hand and sighed, “Chuck, the whole country is losing its respect for you. No one’s interested in Hollywood anymore.”
“So what? You want me to buy the farm?”
Damn smiled, “There’s a lot of potential in honest work.”
“I’d rather do a DIY sex show on cable TV.”
Damn laughed, “Don’t bother! Amerikans are having so much great sex that they’ve lost interest in porn. So, what are you going to do with your life?”
“Okay, this is off the record, strictly confidential stuff, but I’m going to tell you anyway. Tomorrow, the CIA and I,” Chuck began, lowering his voice to a whisper, “will fuck Amerika so good that no one will know up from down!?”
Damn got pretty excited. He pleaded for more details.
“Okay, first, we’re gonna blow up the nation’s power plants and electrical substations. Once we have a nation-wide lights-out, we’re gonna blow up all the gas stations and have a nation-wide month-long holiday to make Amerika the best place on Earth. Robots and machines will stop working, and we’ll all get our jobs back.”
Damn tried to smile. Apparently, he enjoyed being unemployed.
“Don’t worry, I’ve already planned everything. For many years I’ve had a corner on my estate designated just for you. I’ll even dig your hole with my bare hands. Look, I’ve been practicing!” he exclaimed as he bent over and scratched a hole in the carpet.
PUSSIE Motivates Amerikans
Every day, PUSSIE travelled to his unlit, unheated and generally Spartan Hollywood office and slaved to make Amerika’s economy more exciting and more thrilling. One night, inspired by a dream, PUSSIE invented jobs that were so fun that Amerikans loved working again.
PUSSIE also inspired workers with these amazing lyrics:
If you wanna be somebody,
Fuck your job and fuck your boss!
Pay attention! Multitask!
Stroke his hair, squeeze him there,
Do his job until he sings:
“Boohoo, I just can’t get enough of you!”
Working, working, working all night long!
The new economy is so much fun!
Don’t take it personally,
If your tummy aches, if your body shakes:
You’ll learn to love the cross,
’Cause everybody, everybody, everyyyybodyyy
Is getting nailed (and screwed) by the boss!
Hey bro, hey sis!
Everybody loves the new economy
Of minimal physical activity!
We tend a fine assembly line,
And shake our ass from nine to ninety-nine!
That’s how we raise the Gross Domestic Penis!
With the rhythm of the fucktory,
We improve our productivity!
Forget your stupid families,
Bosses are the men you need,
Godlike men, high above,
They look down with so much love.
Hey everybody, if you want kids,
Get to fucking work!
Let’s see some productivity!
Children are the spawn of
Government and industry:
All our children are their property,
So you don’t need to worry,
Just feed the all-devouring economy!
Do your jobs and you won’t burn;
Instead, something nice you’ll earn:
Sexy shopping trips,
And INtoxicACTED plastic kids!
Oh, life is perfectly heavenly
In the Fucking Economy!
Ever read such awesome lyrics? God’s supreme poet, wrote those lines, and they are sublime. By jingoism, poetry is the lingo of God, and the rhythm and rhyme of his verses will inspire the whole world enjoy working and shopping ten times harder than usual.
Next, PUSSIE inspired Hollywood’s best ghostwriters and scriptwriters to write movie scripts designed to inspire lazy-asses to sacrifice their asses for the greater economy. These movies featured true heroes: humble rabbits who loved working and paying debts and bills and generally making the economy grow and bear the fruit of luv.
With the president’s help, Hollywood celebrities produced such inspirational blockbusters as Captain Amerika, an eclectic legend about the legendary Captain Amerika, a heroic CEO whose corporate ship was taking on water due to the weight of its enormous cargo, so the captain had to make difficult decisions to have redundant sailors thrown overboard and, in order to avoid a violent mutiny, he sings songs about God and Heaven to his crew every evening before bed. In a later scene, the Amerikan ship battles numerous other ships, all of them fighting for themselves and flying their own corporate flags. Millions of sailors die of scurvy and drown in the Sea of Debt. The toll is so great that the global shipping industry threatens to collapse, so, in a stroke of genius, the ruthless Captain Amerika forges alliances, creates the secret Global Economic Cooperation Order, and thereby he introduces an era of peace in which battles and wars continue only for sport, entertainment, and the spiritual profit all men gain by staring down the ugly face of Death.
Star Works, another theatrical hit, was a moving tale about how Alexander the Great turned the Greek economy into such an efficient colossus that it conquered markets from Europe to India. His grueling marches inspired the entire ancient world to work harder. Finally, when Alexander retired from marching, he had many visions about how to make books support the economy, so he wrote stories about a hard-working carpenter named Jesus, about a hard-working fisherman named Paul, about a very hard-working tax-collector named Matthew, and about a hard-working conqueror named—you guessed it—Alexander the Great Worker.
Hollywood also produced Saving Caesar, a timeless classic in which a workaholic named Julius Caesar becomes the most popular butcher in Rome and is treated like a hero by millions of Roman meat lovers. But Julius hates his job and his fame. He desperately prays to become a farmer in a small village, so at God’s advice Julius Caesar disguises himself as a monster and is quickly chased out of the city into the countryside, where God grants his wish to be a farmer. Initially Julius is in Heaven, but within just a few months his prosperous farm is invaded by so many goats and sheep that he resorts to slaughtering them. By the grace of God, his true identity remains a secret, but Julius is murdered by a shepherd named Pontius Brutus Pilate.
In Corporate Wars, God promises the secret formula for the perfect beer to his favorite corporation, He-Brew Beers, which is owned and operated by Joshua Rothschild. For a few years the Rothschild family has the secret formula and produces bliss for the world, but when the family business is inherited by the faithless, lazy, non-practicing Jew, Judas Rothschild, the holy formula is lost, He-Brew Beers falls from grace, and the company becomes embroiled in a vicious war for market share. H-BB suffers many defeats to inferior European and Amerikan beer brewers who spike beer with aphrodisiacs, but even then God does not forgive the Jews because Mr Judas Rothschild is an awful sinner. He-Brew Beers goes bankrupt, but the movie ends with hints of the coming of a future savior, a company man named Johnny “Jesus Christ” Rockefeller.
In the sequel, A Thousand Saviors, Amerikan citizen Johnny JC Rockefeller uses determination to rise from joblessness and found Holy Products Incorporated. This company revolutionizes the drug industry by developing a drug derived from the blood of the most energetic and selfless people on Earth, namely black people. His amazing product is called Eureka! It is so popular that traditional medicines don’t stand a chance. Johnny hires twelve marketers to promote Eureka! as a cure for sloth and greed and as a gateway to Heaven. Addicts love it. And Johnny loves it, for whenever workers start getting greedy about compensation and working conditions, he gives them free bottles of Eureka! and presto, workers are competing to make greater sacrifices for the company and the government, asking for lower wages and higher taxes, and sometimes sacrificing themselves for the company, giving kidneys and hearts to their bosses, even asking to be nailed to the cross of unemployment so that others can live and be happy. It was truly the most inspiring movie.
The Book Club is a dystopian movie in which the hero has to save Amerikans from a crippling addiction to reading. Afflicted adults waste all their time and money on books. The government to issue public mental health warnings against reading, but even then most Amerikans can’t control the irresistible urge to read. So a heroic grade-school teacher persuades millions of children to save the economy by sending millions of addicts to book-free, book-aholic rehabilitation centers. When the economy continues going south, the hero writes a book that persuades everyone that all books are full of bullshit, boredom and useless crap, and—in an ironic twist of fate—this book becomes so popular that he commits suicide.
Finally, the epic The Revolutionary Slaves tells the inspirational biography of the Slave family. The movie begins by showing how this incredible family survives Hell in Africa. Then, eager to escape, the Slaves sail across the Atlantic Ocean and discover Heaven in Amerika, where they receive free land. However, years of living in Africa have made them unable or unwilling to work and pay for their necessities. For years they attempt to survive by chasing rabbits, living in trees, drinking alcohol and eating cotton, tobacco and sugar canes. Luckily, they are saved from starvation by hard-working white families who give them jobs making Amerikan luv. The movie ends with the Slave children bringing bags of refined luv back to Africa, where their luv causes an economic miracle as the whole continent turns green with Amerikan money.
Thanks to these and other inspirational films on economic themes, Amerikans once again did their duties and the Amerikan economy boomed like a cannon in wartime. So what if a few actors, actresses, producers and directors committed suicide? Who said Hollywood and an Amerikan PUSSIE can’t do any good?
After resurrecting Amerika, PUSSIE casually reminded the useless President Angel about his destiny.
Angel smiled, “Chuck, I’m curious. What would you do for the economy that I haven’t already tried?”
“For starters, I’d revamp our flag! Stars and stripes are out of fashion. Do you see anyone wearing stars and stripes?”
“I suppose your new flag would display banana-shaped guns, anthropocentric trees and arbocentric, and clowns reaching for a god shaped like a ball of brown flesh.”
“You perverted drunkard! I am a spiritual man. In honor of our invisible God, our flag must be white on both sides!”
“That’s racist and suicidal. If we fly white flags, our enemies will say we surrendered and laugh at us.”
“Fine. Then let’s just make a giant luv bill on one side and two workers making luv on the other.”
“You pervert! Got any other brilliant ideas?”
“We’ll, I’ll grant everyone the right to invent money and write laws.”
“You are insane.”
“On the contrary. It’s fair competition.”
President Angel laughed, “You actually believe in fair competition? I’d like to see you make money that anyone would want. Besides, the new money is digital.”
“Really? Digital? Digital? So we can’t hold it in our hands and smell it?”
Chuck shrugged. “Well, so what? I’ll just let the people create their own digital money. If they want they can put porn stars on it, or porn videos, or pretty landscapes or whatever. The nicer their money is, the more it will be worth.”
“Very funny. And what other brilliant plan do you have in mind?”
“I’ll beautify this great nation by making unprotected inter-racial fucking mandatory!”
President Angel reeled in horror. He imagined a future in which everyone was the same color and no one could tell each other apart. I assured him that Chuck was joking, but he didn’t want to take any chances, so he used the CIA to fabricate scandalous stories about Chuck having female friends, being vegan, clowning with Congress, abandoning his children, and pooping on playgrounds in broad daylight. In any other country, such scandals would have discredited God himself, but here—well, let’s just say Angel underestimated Amerika’s tolerance for deviant behaviors.
 This refers to all carnivores except the one Walt Disney loved.