The Genesis of Humankind as Will to Power, or, What Separates Us from the Other Animals?

Preface for Academics

To follow Nietzsche should imply some degree of agreement in form as well as content, and yet we academics too easily submit to the MLA style rather than the FWN style, and if that is not tragic enough, we do this despite being prodded by Nietzsche to go beyond – rather than beneath – him. And so, I introduce this unconventional little paper, which nowhere looks back, which always, unflinchingly looks forward.

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Introduction

“What separates us from the animals?” Socrates mocked his listeners by answering that the human animal is the only featherless biped. Modern science has a sobering influence, as it shows that even rats possess the virtue of love, at least of pity, as even they do not like to see their own kind suffer. Modern philosophic minds, void of Socratic irony, will speak of mankind’s unique ability to use symbolic language, a point well taken, though this ability belongs to even the lowest types of human beings and cannot be easily distinguished from the thinking and language displayed by other animals. Then what is the difference? Perhaps we have not been able to clearly differentiate human behavior from animal behavior because we can hardly begin manifesting those differences while the future-human ­has hardly been born.

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Thesis and Hypothesis:

Animals exhibit a spectrum of intelligence, and yet human intelligence is capable of exhibiting a unique level of control and power in all aspects of life.

Definition of Power:

Nowadays power is associated with exploitation and mismanagement. But there are other manifestations of power, even manifestations that are synonymous with harmony. Indeed, how can there be harmony among us if we do not control ourselves and have power over ourselves? And, since human life is easily ruined by stupidity, disease, earthquakes, drought and other natural disasters, does a harmonious life also require that we live in harmony with these problems, and if so, does living in harmony with them imply surrendering to them?

Clearly, living the harmonious life must mean that we somehow use our power to prevent unnecessary pain, work, and death. But how do we achieve this purpose? Through technology[1], prayer, magic and punitive laws? Or – if I may ask a rhetorical question – is the power we seek available in much simpler, more effective and more humane forms?

The History, Future and Aspects of

the Will to Power

0. Politics

Political power structures are vestigial behaviour patterns. Unto this very day, who can imagine a society without political inequality, that is, without alpha males and females, not to mention the omega masses? The term political equality includes marital and playground bullying, for there is no political difference between the bully and the tyrant, the sheep and the passive mass media consumer. That said, what kind of political structure would differentiate the human species and exhibit a unique power?

The world’s major religions did not directly address the problem of tyranny, certainly not in their principal precepts. Democracy, in theory, prevents tyranny by dictators, but it does not prevent a tyranny of mass stupidity. And so, today people imagine they live in democracies while in fact they have no power except to choose alpha-leaders, and even that miserable power is controlled by the media and spoiled by miseducation.

History and wisdom teach us that political inequality is unsustainable, and that ultimately the only sustainable power structure is the one between adults and children. In fact, among animals, human biological parents alone have the power to share the privilege of raising their children with other adults, a power whose benefit and necessity we should not underestimate.

1. Nutrition

Non-human animals do not control their nutrition resources. While every animal species undoubtedly plays a vital role in keeping its environment somewhat balanced, the buffalo cannot drought-proof its grasslands; the lion cannot encourage wildlife to reproduce and thus ensure its future food supply; even the honeybee, while it fertilizes the plants that produce its food, cannot prevent fires or maximize nectar production through good soil husbandry and other gardening skills. Such skills belong solely to the human species, which is more adaptable than the cockroach and alone can turn deserts into gardens.

The major religions have done nothing to foster such skills, and every major culture since the beginning of time has been largely ignorant of them. The modern food industry is not much better. Though regulations and incentives exist to prevent over-fishing and soil exhaustion and erosion, we generally degrade our resources and never improve them, as we have the power to do.

2. The Elements/Dwelling

Non-human animals rarely control their environment on any scale. Beavers perhaps exhibit the most power, and while the beaver somewhat controls temperatures within its lodges it does not dream of positively influencing outdoor temperatures. The beaver can indeed take measures to prevent flooding by painstakingly micromanaging its environment, but only humans can simply refuse to live where floods, tropical storms, landslides, earthquakes, fires, diseases and predations are likely to cause unnecessary suffering.

The major religions did nothing to address the question of environment and our power over it. Modern science micro-manages everything technologically. People invest years of income into paying for their homes, an investment which, compared to the minimal investments made by animals is evidence of regress, especially when one considers that the modern home is easily destroyed by storms, earthquakes or fires and is a toxic box that requires endless upkeep and whose monetary value is subject to irrational powers. And yet the power to remedy this tragic state of affairs is available, if only we are willing to apply such non-technological solutions as are offered by cob building material and desert-transforming permaculture.

3. Population

Non-human animals do not control their populations by altering their sexual behaviour; they reproduce without thought of environmental and mental resources. Humans alone are in a position to manage their numbers. Animals, in contrast, rely on nature to do so.

The world’s major religions did nothing to control population growth, and the Catholic religion even forbids control. Modern state governments like the Chinese have done better by attempting to reduce population growth, and others encourage contraception or reward reproduction with nominal financial incentives. However, as presently our population is a global problem, population must be controlled by a global authority, and since that is actually a horrific and shameful necessity, short of waiting for nature to cull our numbers, we who have the power of foresight ought to exercise the human power to limit reproduction.

4. Death

Other animals have no power over the timing and nature of their death, and often suffer unnecessarily and die in fear of death. Humans alone have the power to choose and define the nature of their death, not only as a physical event (euthanasia) but also as a mental experience. For, thanks to our intelligence, we are closer to death than even the elephants, who – apparently – are only able to contemplate it when they confront an environmental reminder.

The world’s major religions have done nothing to promote power over death, unless one counts their united effort to generate a dangerous ignorance by sanctifying the denial of death’s eternity. Today, modern nations do little to alleviate the weakness, and technologically advanced countries, when faced with death, exert their power by prolonging lives largely void of quality – even at great expense to the quality of other lives. To be truly human, I mean intelligent, we must exercise our power to limit our lifespan.

5. Eugenics

Other animals generally determine the genetic inheritance of their species by competing with one another for females, so that, generally speaking, all females breed. While presently competition continues to play a major role in determining human mating pairs, mating pairs are largely determined by the need for similar personal interests, that is, by selfish needs. The genetic inheritance of the child plays little or no role in determining mating pairs. I do not mean that we need governments to enforce draconian eugenic policies; for what distinguishes us from other animals is our ability to refuse to compete and voluntarily refuse to give defective genes to future generations.

Our religions have done nothing to promote this power over the future of our species; at most they have required abstinence from people seeking political power and power over their own destiny. Modern science has turned eugenics into an expensive, convoluted business based on absurd notions of perfection rather than on a humane, voluntarily exercised methods of prevention.

6. Sexuality

Other animals have very limited power over their ability to have sexual pleasure. Bonobos and perhaps other apes know how to masturbate, which is more than most human societies permit, but the ability to have intercourse and prevent insemination is exclusively human.

Sex was inseparable from a number of religions that sought to make all pleasures the domain of religion, until, to gain control over pleasure – the holy prostitute especially – it was cast out of the temple and into the promised afterlife. Pop culture has brought sexuality back with a vengeance, but ironically also makes sex an object of fantasy rather than an actuality. Scientists have painstakingly produced expensive (for most of the world’s population) means of birth control, and done this despite the free and easily mastered non-technological solutions available to everyone.

7. Humour

Few animals know how to laugh, and the few apes who do generally laugh at the expense of others, and do nothing to create comedy. Although the immediate effect of laughter is life enhancing to those who laugh, laughter can be destructive when it is used against others or as a medicine that only masks symptoms. Humans alone have the power to harness and purify this life-enhancing gift.

What have the major world religions done to encourage and develop comedy? Nothing. The modern, secular world is a bit more tolerant but not more discerning, as nowadays many jokes are made at the expense of others or simply exploit modern taboos, fears and neuroses without ever suggesting that such taboos, fears and neuroses are impediments to understanding, to mental health and to power – and why indeed would any stand-up risk destroying their livelihood?

8. Art, Music, Language

Perhaps the most human aspect of power, is art, for what other species produces art? Yet what is art? And what distinguishes our use of language from animal languages? Two things: our ability to create new combinations of words, and equally our ability to use our words to mean something else, even the opposite of their conventional meaning.

How does art manifest the will to power? Art is commonly called “powerful” when it stimulates an emotional response, and yet that power is not the most life enhancing power of art. For the destiny of art is to stimulate an intellectual pleasure by producing complex thought patterns.

What have the religions of the world done to develop the arts? Nothing except to make them tributaries and images of a power that does not exist. Imagine the stupidity of thinking that power could be passively absorbed through art; as if seeing a statue of a peaceful Buddha could communicate any real and sustainable sense of peace! In secular culture, the arts serve a variety of functions, none of them particularly peaceful ones, none of them particularly noble ones. Our pop culture factory products are merely an after-effect of absurdly complicated technologies that serve to produce awe, belief and deluded simpletons. Who today does not underestimate the complexity and clarity of thought – the power of thought – that the simplest instrument can produce?

9. Education

The majority of animals have no need for family or community, as each generation is born nearly ready to survive, with no need for an education. In contrast, higher life forms require an education, and generally speaking that education comes in the form of imitation. Through imitation and instinct, Nature controls the behaviour of successive generations. Humans alone have the power to let others control their children and to love all children as if they were their own, if only because ownership has ceased to mean anything, and we understand that our children require more attention than any two adults can provide.

What have holy men done to help parents educate and control their children? They sought to be everyone’s educators, and yet they taught everyone as one, and knew nothing of stages of mental development. The modern public school system does better, as it “frees” parents from the need to create their children beyond a young age, leaving parents with the illusion that they have no responsibility except to encourage their children to excel in an education system sorely incapable of giving children any of the other powers.

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[1] Here I hesitate to use the word “science,” for science includes a far broader practice than what we call science today, which is science shackled to technology. The scientific method even applies to artistic experiments whose purpose is just to produce specific thought patterns and emotional effects.

HOW TO GROW A CULTURE: A Theoretical Framework for a Culture Consistent with the Principles of Permaculture

Introduction

The word “sustainability” hardly speaks of greatness, optimal happiness and life enhancement. Sustainable development is becoming synonymous with window dressing and life-support solutions for an unsustainable world. I don’t wish to entirely disparage our past accomplishments, for in many ways the modern world is a great accomplishment, but sober minds will see so many problems that they will not entertain thoughts of salvaging it with a little environmentally or socially inspired tinkering. What’s needed is a radical revision and rebuilding, from the ground up, on principles that lead to sustainability and maximum life-enhancement.

Bill Mollison, the father of permaculture (agroforestry, sustainable agriculture, etc.), once said that permaculture should not only be seen as a method of food production but as a complete culture or value system. This is enticing because, at its heart, permaculture is synonymous with both sustainability and optimization. But beyond the optimization of nature’s ability to support human life, what did Bill Mollison mean? Can we devise an entire culture consistent with the food production principles of permaculture? To my knowledge, before now no one has ever attempted to develop permaculture into a system that integrates other aspects of human life.

To create a complete and consistent “permaculture culture” it is necessary to define the principles of permaculture. I have deduced or defined only four (see below), and have formulated them in language freed of botanical details so that the principles can be applied to aspects of life as diverse as sexual reproduction, literature and home construction.

First, before defining the general principles, let’s consider the specifics of permaculture’s purely food production methods:

The Forest Garden

Design

The organic design the permaculture or forest garden optimizes food production by combining nitrogen fixing with nitrogen depleting plants, combining shade providing with shade needing plants, combining deep root with shallow root plants, combining creeping plants with sturdy, standing plants. It reduces stress and labor because it combines plants that produce all necessary nutrition throughout the year and grows plants that always provide more than one of the following: nutrition, medicine, oxygen, shade, humus, windbreak, soil integrity, building and clothing and burning material, exercise and other functions.

Action

Every plant in the forest garden is there intentionally, not necessarily planted but necessarily tended. The forest garden is intended to fulfill a variety of functions supportive of human needs. Fortunately, machines cannot do the agricultural work for us, because machines cannot function in an organic design. Additionally, delegating labor is unnecessary because there isn’t enough labor to be done to warrant it. Besides, gardening is largely a pleasure and outdoor, physical work is not a cause for shame.

The above description of permaculture contains the following four core principles:

The Life-Enhancing Principles The Principles of Design 1. Diversity Different but equally good things are selectively combined to optimize the health of the system (ecosystem, nervous system, etc.). 2. Multi-Functionality Each part in a system has multiple functions. The Principles of Action 3. Intentionality All life functions, from birth to death, are natural and spontaneous but are also intentional and generally planned according to natural cycles and needs in order to maximize pleasure and minimize unpleasantness. 4. Engagement Eating, physical work, dying and all necessary and healthy human functions are enabled, freed from fear, anger, guilt and shame and curbed only by reason; while the life-enhancing gifts of reason, imagination, meditation and humor are fostered and engaged.

The Principles Applied

(to the best of my ability)

Using the above four principles, or seeds, I have grown the following theories about nine additional cultural dimensions.

1. The Cob Home

The Principles of Design

A variety of natural materials are used to build the cob home. Though mostly built of a mixture of clay, sand and organic debris, wood is incorporated, largely in the roofing and upright posts. Stones and dyes can be incorporated to help strengthen the base, and pebbles can be embedded in walls for decorative or textual purposes. Plant oils can be used to seal floors and walls. The house is orientated to maximize passive solar heating during the coolest times of the day and year, so that the home can function as a shelter at all times. The roof has multiple purposes: as a means of protection and as a means of catching water for human use. Every room and niche has multiple functions. Additional cob home functions are optimal reductions in risks of death or injury from fires, earthquakes, windstorms and floods.

The Principles of Action

The home is an intentional creation: it is designed to stand for centuries, requires little maintenance and can be built with relatively little effort and knowledge, and no machines. Home building is a pleasant tactile experience and a safe and healthy form of mental and physical exercise even the children can enjoy. With – ideally – the exception of excretion, any biological function can be done in any room. We exempt excretion, not because we dread the prospect of nasty surprises but because we wish to limit disease and think that – due to the valuable plant fertilizing properties of excrement – we might as well evacuate ourselves outdoors, where those valuable properties can be used.

2. The Body

The Principles of Design

The future child’s genetic, biological inheritance is our foremost concern. All biological variations are equal provided no variation impairs normal functioning. Nevertheless, couples are selected with different biological strengths (shallow notions of beauty or wealth not included) in order to provide the child with the best possible genetic inheritance. Diverse factors and functions must be considered, and many compromises made, for no man or woman is perfect, and the community must avoid inbreeding and depleting precious genetic variety. Design actions can include limiting women to a single pregnancy if their first delivery failed or nearly failed and breeding for such genetic benefits as – I might be joking here – that most beneficial gene, the ticklish gene.

The Principles of Action

Reproduction is planned and carefully monitored in order to – as much as possible – prevent unsustainable overpopulation and unnecessary depopulation. Pre-conception forms of birth control are actively practiced. Both reproductive and non-reproductive sex are normalized, freed from shame. Inhabitants who have yet to fulfill their reproductive role are limited to masturbation in order to prevent unplanned children. To further prevent the spread of disease, perhaps no one should be permitted to engage in non-reproductive sexual intercourse with members of separate communities except for planned reproductive purposes.

3. The Community

The Principles of Design

Different age groups co-exist in equality, meaning that neither toddlers nor adults play the dictator. The community has no centralized, hierarchized political structure (design), is composed of males and females (no surprise here), and “biological” families do not form separate units because every adult man and woman functions as a parent to every child and because biological fathers do not live in the same community as their biological children (see genetic wealth, above). All adults function as parents, and no parent specializes in any one parenting function (playing, cleaning, feeding, teaching, etc.), though men should probably not be expected to breastfeed.

The Principles of Action

Parenting can only be an intentional act if it aims to lead children through set stages of both physical and intellectual development. In order to avoid exhaustion and create a true community, all adults are engaged in the responsibility of leading children, while to some extent children of any but the lowest stage of development can help children of lower stages develop. Of course, this assumes that child-rearing is not a shameful or emotionally awkward activity.

(The Five Developmental/Intellectual Categories)

4. Sense and Emotion (1)

The Principles of Design

Oral stimulation for newborns as well as fun for everyone is not subject to the tyranny of the spoken word: it can be non-verbal and tactile. Whistling, clucking, pecking, roaring, etc. are combined, even with speech, to contribute to the amusement and growth of individuals. Facial expressions are likewise freely combined. For newborns, expressions serve to communicate, to exercise (develop motor skills) and vent energy; among older children and adults, childlike expressions can function to communicate, stimulate and amuse.

The Principles of Action

With age and peaking in adulthood, facial expressions and non-verbal sounds become increasingly intentional; that is, they are increasingly intended to please, communicate and/or stimulate growth. Destructive and culturally unsustainable emotions do not dictate the emotive life of individuals.

5. Motion and Speech (2)

The Principles of Design

Movement is not a mechanical activity; freed from self-consciousness and clock-tyranny, individuals can enjoy using their bodies again, making motion playful and dance-like. Speech, too, becomes rich with tonal variations. Children especially delight in the structures provided by songs and dances, structures that combine quite different motions. These motions function to win attention, vent energy, express creativity and develop organizational skills.

The Principles of Action

Okay, I understand that not every adult is keen to sing and dance, but permaculture isn’t looking to build professional choirs and bands. Anyway, so much of our shame is a cultural by-product that prevents adults from effectively teaching and interacting with children. No one will be forced to sing and dance; participation, though universal, must also be voluntary.

6. Plays and Play (3)

The Principles of Design

Pretending and playing do not follow strict schedules and never follow set scripts and rules. Children may compete, but adults function both to facilitate play and to ensure that children never become obsessed with a rule, with winning or getting the most attention. Losing should be even more fun than wining. Roles should be freely exchanged and changed. Rules should be changed and ignored. Adults must be involved, and not only to prevent abuse, bullying and over-competitiveness, but to ensure that playing helps children socialize and exercise, to develop their ability to reason, imagine and feel emotion, and to ensure that everyone has fun.

The Principles of Action

I’ve accidentally covered this category above. My apologies to everyone.

7. Jokes (4)

The Principles of Design

In a world free of taboos, shame and irrational fears, jokes succeed entirely on design principles rather than due to their relation to social codes and mores. Thus, diverse, apparently unrelated words and ideas must be brought together in a way that strongly implies that one or more word gains an atypical, non-denotative meaning, so that the word is really multi-functioning. Any joke in which a part of the human body is said to be something very different, like a vegetable or animal, is a joke on pure design principles. However, the difference must co-exist with some similarity (harmony), as a nose can physically resemble a banana but is certainly not a fruit, while a nose does not resemble a chair, so if it does not function as a chair it could not jokingly be compared to a chair.

The Principles of Action

Whenever anything is intentionally said to be something quite different yet similar, a joke exists. Whenever this structure is marked with anger or used to shame, accuse or anger someone, the joke fails to meet the requirements of permaculture. Joking is fostered in children by adults and practiced by everyone who can.

8. The Arts (Literature) (5)

The Principles of Design

Diverse categories of words are chosen according to the principle of multi-functionality. If a word cannot function as another word, as in metaphorical or symbolical usage, it cannot be used. Exceptions are those words that help other words generate multiple meanings. Words that are quite different, words that carry sexual, elemental and intellectual meanings are combined in the manner that helps meaning proliferate. Reading ceases to be a linear, mechanical exercise; it occurs in organic patterns, with no interest in any result other than the pleasure produced by intellectual word-play.

The Principles of Action

More than ever, words are chosen with care and are read with equal care and intention. No noun or verb is considered read until it has received a minimum of two meanings, each quite different from the other, but related by a non-phonetic similarity. Intellectual word-play marks the intended climax of every inhabitant’s intellectual development and it is practiced by everyone who has reached intellectual maturity. This kind of reading cannot be done with distractions (external or internal), rushed, or immediately after another activity; it is best done with a little planning or thought so that it follows a little meditation and is savoured with a bit of post-reading meditation.

9. Soil – The Liminal Zone

The Principles of Design

Soil is designed by the community, for our dependence on the soil is recognized. Soil quality is maintained by actively mixing it with diverse materials, from wood chips and plant clippings to excrement and the dead. The soil functions to provide plants with minerals, water, and stability, and it provides organisms with some of the same plus oxygen and more.

The Principles of Action

Soil design is accomplished intentionally, and this entails a new intentionality for death. Euthanasia, or intentional death, demonstrates a fearless understanding that life is both temporary and only valuable when free from life-degrading pain and dependence. Additionally, intentional death further optimizes life when it implies a willingness to return the body’s valuable minerals to the soil and the cycles of life. Obviously this is not yet a death for everyone, though in general death is universal.

Concluding Points

Among the benefits of permaculture is that it is accessible to people of all classes because it requires no financing – or none beyond that needed to own the land needed to provide one’s own basic necessities, land which is our greatest right to work and benefit from free of landlords.

Considering how the principles of permaculture can be applied to other dimensions of culture, since permaculture can rehabilitate wasteland, there’s no doubt it can also rehabilitate the millions of people who are emotional salt flats and cacti, void of humor and imagination and unable to reason more than a single step on any matter.

Another accidental benefit of permaculture is that it cannot accommodate mechanization and a division of labor. This is beneficial because, wile permaculture provides higher levels of nutrition, the absence of machines and divisions of labor prevents pollution, environmental degradation, serious injuries, alienation, time wasted in travelling away from home and the tearing apart of the social fabric as people are divided by jobs that monopolize time and require knowledge and skills only a few understand. The permaculture life is free of machines, slaves and labor specialization, not because we are backwards looking Luddites or sentimentalists, but because we look forward to a culture that develops society, the mind and agriculture beyond anything achieved in the past.

Another benefit is the accessibility of all the knowledge required by permaculture. No one needs to study piles of books. Though the permaculture vision of literature my seem like an elitist or even esoteric one, the intellectual freedom it requires is much easier to attain than we imagine, especially if children are never burdened by taboos and the largely useless and even harmful information that flows out of schools and the mass media.

Finally, I consider the absence of belief in immortality a benefit, for it signifies an age that – more than ever – values not only mortal life but the mind’s freedom from paralysis and fear.

The Last Fairy Tale in the Whole Wide World (Hopefully)

Once upon a time the whole Bugle family was so weak from hunger that Chief Lord Fairy-Wings Bungleperchaunstiltskin descended from cloud-land and advised the family as follows, “Take your eldest son (well, they only had one son) and have him marry the devil, a.k.a. Queen Noiku Hegemony.” Though normally fearless, possibly from stupidity, this time Cootie turned deathly pale. His fear was understandable. The whole world knew that the Queen’s teeth made whirring sounds, her heels crushed nations and millions of people had gone insane in her golden palace. So, while Cootie was usually happy to do a heroic deed, but this time he turned quite scarlet, and burgundy too, as he emitted this scream, “AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!”

His father wished to encourage the boy, who now lay in convulsions in the dust. “Son, don’t you think you’re over-reacting? You have considerable powers, spells, magic and that sort of stuff. And if you need us, just send a messenger. C’mon, be a man!”

Cootie crawled to his mother and hugged her ankles. He had to be pried loose by his family and dragged by ten horses to Queen Noiku. She looked upon our somewhat bruised hero with the inhuman, predatory eyes of a crocodile. Cootie trembled in her shadow.

“Well, he looks acceptable,” the Queen admitted. “But what relationship skills does he have?” she asked with fiercely piercing eyes.

John removed his hat and confessed, “Sorry, your highness, our boy has never been in a romantic relationship, but he will learn everything naturally enough.”

Cootie’s sister couldn’t stand begging, and boldly cried, “Look at our ribs and have mercy on us, you greedy, toothless, knobby-kneed lollipop!”

The Queen laughed and slapped her knees, which she rarely did. “Darling, how sweet of you to bring back memories of all my past marriages. My husbands used to blame me for everything, even their toothaches, and I loved thinking life is so simple. Now, what on Earth do you think that simpleton of a brother can possibly do for me?”

“He could make you feel young again,” answered John, lost in dreamland.

“Me? Young? But I’m a thousand years old!” she snapped and laughed.

“Beside him, your Elevatedness, you’d see you’re not half as ugly as he,” explained Alexis. “Plus, Cootie will trim your toenails every evening.”

Cootie glanced at the Queen’s brittle, talon-like nails sticking out of her pink royal pumps. Horrified and sickened, he turned green and vomited. While his mother tried to console the boy John, visibly embarrassed, approached the Queen and whispered, “Please, we would be so thankful if you took him off our hands. He’s not good for anything except for making us think that we are blahblahblah.”

Hearing this description, Queen Noiku quickly accepted Cootie as her personal mood counsellor and doctor. The guards took him to a lovely room in a tower, padlocked the door, gave him the golden key and said, “But don’t even dream of using it until you turn the devil into an angel.”

“The devil? You mean my sister? Wait! HEY!” he hollered after the guards, but they had already dashed away to the ballroom.

At the window, peered over the sill and wondered how long he’d need to grow hair long enough to get him down to the ground, 100 feet below. He calculated in the dust on the floor: 100 feet divided by four inches a year equals – what? 400 years!!! Despondent over his calculations, he wept himself to sleep, only to wake up a minute later, when Queen Noiku entered his cell with a torch and poked him awake.

“COOTIE! Wake up and do your magic. Your father promised that you would persuade me to believe that I am not the dumbest person in the world. Now, I await your spell,” she said, lowering her hoary head.

Cootie, half asleep, staggered to the mirror on the wall, and there he recited this magical question, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the dumbest person of all?”

“You are the greatest dimwit by far, for talking to a mirror and for obeying Chief Lord Fairy-Wings Bungleperchaunstiltskin!”

Queen Noiku laughed, thanked the hero, left the cell and – forgetting her promise – commanded the door firmly padlocked again.

“HEY, DIDN’T MY FATHER ASK FOR SOMETHING IN RETURN?” Shouted Cootie.

“No he didn’t!” she snapped. “Your dad said he was just glad to be rid of you,” and she cackled and laughed. Then, squinting as if staring into a blazing sun, she added, “Anyhow, I would never set someone dumber than myself free on my defenceless citizens. I do have a social conscience, young man! Have no doubt about that!”

Cootie thought she might be right, but didn’t count on it. That evening he prayed to his god, Chief Lord Fairy-Wings Bungleperchaunstiltskin for help, and the god came in the night through the back door, which was never locked and never guarded and actually in plain sight. Bungleperchaunstiltskin , however, took precautions not to get caught, and was disguised as a sheep.

“Maa! Hello Cootie. Maaa! What can I do for you tonight? Broke your magic wand again? Maaah!”

“Nice outfit! Hey, can you help me out of this prison?”

“You’ll have to bribe the Queen with true love. Believe it or not, true love is the only thing powerful people ever really want. Isn’t that funny? Well, do you think you can be her true sweetie? Can you, oh great and bravest knight?”

Cootie closed his eyes to think about the enormous challenge of giving true love to Queen Noiku. He considered all the thoughts, words and actions of true love, and a great stress shook his soul, and he broke into a sweat and screamed, “AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! OKAY! I’ll do it!”

So Cootie and Queen Noiku were married, and after the ceremony he insulted the Queen just as his sister had done, even more vigorously, but to his shock and amazement, she slapped him, spanked him, and kicked him all around the palace grounds.

“Let that teach you how to treat a wife!” she told him.

Then, taking her utterly off guard, the young hero kissed the Queen on the lips and sucked her nose so hard that he momentarily took her breath away. However, as aroused as she was, she did not take him to the royal mattress, instead she sent him back up the tower, and later sent the guards to padlock the door again. The following day, after a good night’s sleep, she told him through the iron grillwork, “I know you enjoyed my kicking as much as our kissing, and you enjoyed our kiss as much as I, or even more, I dare say. Still, there was no love in that lustful kissing, young man! I am not so easily fooled. If you truly love me, you’ll have to prove it with a sacrifice! Ten more years in this prison for love; are you ready for that?”

“Don’t make me laugh! I could do 520 years in ten prisons for you! Whatever pleases you, my dear wife, you shall have, for I am far dumber than you.”

“Well, aren’t you a sweetheart?” the Queen mocked him before going to the royal barbecue.

In his cell, Cootie prayed once more to his god. “These women sure are hard to please. She keeps asking for more. How can I kill her desire?”

Chief Lord Fairy-Wings Bungleperchaunstiltskin heard the boy’s troubles and rushed to his aid. He arrived in the form of a circus lion and whispered into the boy’s ear, “To please the Queen, promise to wage spectacular wars for her. Kill all her enemies, and kill everyone she fears and hates, so that love alone will fill her heart.”

Naturally, Cootie, being a hard-core fool, took the advice of his old schoolmaster again. When the Queen returned to say hello to him, as she did once every day, he said, “Queen Noiku, tell me whom you fear and hate the most, and I will risk my only life in battle against them!”

She threw herself at him, kissed him hotly, and said, “Brave knight! Swear it shall be so and I will take you to them directly!”

Well, our desperate numbskull swore repeatedly, and when he saw what the Queen feared and hated most of all, he swore again. For her enemies were no ordinary soldiers or fairytale monsters, no, they were the world’s 20 billion cows, pigs and chickens, who together devoured the Earth. Cootie observed their vast armies scattered on fields and crowded in barracks, and he was confused. Somehow, seeing their innocent eyes, he could not imagine a single one capable of evil.

“Uhhm, Queen Noiku, with all due respect, what harm can they do?”

She slapped him hard. “I’LL TELL YOU! These cute creatures have created some of the deadliest infectious diseases on the planet, plus they are eating the food of the poor, killing small farmers, causing heart attacks, causing obesity to ruin human lives, creating deserts by denuding the land, and they even drive up global temperatures with their poisonous butt fumes! Can you imagine any greater evil than that?”

Cootie’s brain was spinning too much to answer. Queen Noiku withdrew a huge, three-foot long steak-knife from her deep pocket and handed it to the boy-hero.

“COOTIE BUGLE, TAKE THIS GREAT SWORD AND SLAUGHTER THE ENEMY!”

With one trembling arm he took the mighty, diamond-sharpened weapon, gulped, stood in a daze, and finally mumbled, “My Queen, though I love you more than life, this task may take some time.”

“Work swiftly, never veering from your goal, and you’ll be done before midnight. But should you fail, I will turn you into a goose!” she said and hissed, sending the young man running into a forest of cows. The beasts gazed upon the armed intruder.

“MMMOOOOOOOO!” they said.

“MMMOOOOOOOO!” Cootie answered back, his heart pounding, the great knife lowered to the grass.

Somehow, Cootie and the cows understand each other, though not half as much as Cootie understood the chickens, whom he loved even more than the adorable pigs he found at another factory farm. In fact, Cootie loved the chickens so much that he grew quite attached to them, and completely forgot that he wasn’t one of them, though by that time he was actually a goose. Nevertheless, the chickens didn’t discriminate much, and a whole week passed before the Queen, with the help of the boy’s family, found him trying to hatch chicken eggs. Queen Noiku could not control her emotions. Clutching his downy buttocks she cried,

“Cootie, Cootie, I counted on you! You’ve betrayed me, me, and for what? For a life with these… these hens?” and she fled in tears, leaving his parents standing, slack-jawed, hungrier than ever, and his sister shaking her head.

“Nice going, brother,” she commented, oozing sarcasm.

“YAHOOOO! IT’S TRUE, COMPARED TO YOU, I’M A GENIUS! HA-HA-HA-HA! YAHOOOOO!”

It was Queen Noiku. Thanks to Cootie, she’d been driven totally crazy with happiness by the precious illusion of her intelligence and innocence. She danced away, whooping with delight through the field before disappearing into her golden palace, where she later gave birth to a little lamb.

“Well, what are we going to do with our goose?” John asked his wife, Rose.

“Eat him, of course,” she said, and, since they were in fairytaleland, that’s what they did. With one swift blow Alexis knocked the bird unconscious. Before dawn it was plucked, cooked and consumed. No part of it went to waste, not even the brain, which tasted funny, like a great nut.